a midnight summer dream.

mi-am uitat directia si am inceput sa ma invart in cerc. mi-am lepadat dorintele si m-am supus sortii. mi-am abolit sentimentele si a incetat sa mai imi pese.

am murit. in fiecare zi cate un pik. in fiecare zi la fel. pana cand si asta a devenit trivial. pana cand si moartea nu mai insemna nimic. decat o rutina. spala.clateste.repeta.

trebuie sa te adaptezi cand esti prins.trebuie sa iti creezi o realitate destul de veridica pentru a o putea accepta. destul de slaba pentru a nu o lua in serios. destul cat sa nu innebunesti. in timp ce un colt ascuns al mintii cauta.cauta o scapare.

cuvintele te pot salva mi-a zis. sentimentele te pot salva. mi-a zis din nou. exprima-te si vei fi salvat. iubeste si te vei elibera. i-am ras in fata dar nu a reactionat. mi-a zambit. ai uitat. ai uitat cum era a zis. dar nu e prea tarziu. cuvintele.sentimentele.elibereaza-te.salveaza-te. traieste. repeta.repeta.repeta.

ca o mantra imi sunau in cap. trecutul. trecutul trebuia sa fie cheia. greselile. alegerile. regretele.
nu mai credeam in mine de mult. e greu sa asculti din nou. dar iar mi-a vorbit si m-a tinut de mana. si mi-a zis ca trebuie sa pot.ca pot.

vedeam cum clepsidra se scurge.cum nisipurile din jurul meu sunt din ce in ce mai aproape de a ma sufoca. cum ea imi zicea sa cred.cum muream. cum ma luptam. cum pierdeam. i-am zis ca e prea tarziu. nu mai e nimik aici. sunt deja mort. i-am dat drumul la mana si am inceput sa rad de ea. i-am zis ca e copilaros sa creada,i-am zis sa plece cat mai poate.

apoi s-a auzit sunetul de final. si tot nisipul a navalit peste mine.pentru o ultima data. am tras aer in piept.am expirat. am repetat. m-am uitat sa ii mai vad odata parul,zambetul,ochii. sa ii vad bluza neagra in timp ce se departeaza si scapa. si numai acest gand m-a bucurat si ceva a inceput sa se miste din nou in mine. o lumina in abis.nimic. dar totusi era un sentiment..

apoi am vazut-o langa mine. i-am zis ca e proasta.am tipat la ea. dar ea se uita la mine si ma tinea strans de mana. nici nu imi dadusem seama. nisipurile cadeau acum peste noi si incepusera sa ii acopere gura. murea. murea odata cu mine.

si pe cand nu mai puteam respira deloc. pe cand nu ma vedeam nimic. pe cand nu mai auzeam nimic. m-am gandit. m-am gandit ca nu e prea tarziu. pentru mine. pentru ea....

de ziua mea.pentru voi.

trebuie cateodata sa te asezi si sa multumesti pentru ca ai ce ai. sa apreciezi ce ai pentru ca vei plange cand le vei pierde...e un sentiment frumos sa apartii. e un sentiment frumos sa simti ca oameni care merita si pe care ii respecti ...te apreciaza..

dar inca simt mancarimea aceeaa,vocea aia rea care intreaba.." d c?? d c? merit? meriti? nu cred ca meriti razvanel..."

incerc sa push it back where it belongs. si incerc sa fiu mai bun pentru a stii ca merit...dar acum.

vreau doar sa multumesc tuturor for being there.for being great.

much luv ppl...

this salitos is for u all.

the bad part.

bey deci nimik nu mai e cum trebuie pe lumea asta cand si the good guys are bad.
prietenii stiu de ce.

maybe it hurts for a reason.

Maybe it hurts for a reason.I stood there,fascinated again how your eyes turn from light green to dark green based on your feelings,and couldn’t help thinking how bad i blew it. How my idiotic nature,intersected with something that could be such a good thing,decided to destroy again the chance.Because I don’t deserve it...

I tried to express what I feel.But the words danced around the subject,and couldn’t surprise the essential.I couldn’t force myself to say it.And once again the sadness that floats in your eyes made my stomach shrink.i wanted to take that sadness away,put it in a bubble, and leave it there forever.if I could…

U stood up and I needed to hug you ,to feel the touch of your tanned skin,the fresh smell of your hair,the promise of happiness.But I’ve seen it in your body language and in your look that this wouldn’t be good.You just wanted me to stay away and to disappear.And right then , I wanted that too.

After that u walked into the bus,and as the bus’s doors closed I got a last glance at your floral apparence and felt like another sad story started for me.because my stories always start with the end.

[track sunrise avenue - fairtytale gone bad ]

and because i can't.

i can't get everything done my way. i can't act anyway and suppose to get my results. i can't get away with it. and i'm happy for that. let's just hope that because of it i'll get someplace where i can really appreciate what i have. keep what it's good for me. and stop making stupid things and stop taking stupid decisions.

this way.maybe i'll stop kicking myself all the time.

cause it hurts...

[ track marilyn manson - heart shapped glass ]

because i can.

pretty weird day today. just finished the exams and everything has a sense of happy-freedom-ish. but it's a false feeling i still have like ALOT of exams [ cunoscute ca restantze in unele cercuri...]. but hey, i guess i have to take what i can, from where i can. so today i'm freeeee.

on other note, federer lost the final..again!! against nadal doooh. well, nice game anyway. so good go nadal, your reign will be over one day soon[ or late..] :) ah, that's the downside of being king, u're always afraid u'll lose your crown...

so i'm back in a game but keeping it low for a while. hope july'll be my month but never know...

zipping and zapping.

crepuscular

inca o noapte si inca o zi. inca o zi ramasa pana la final.ce bine ca se termina. e trist ca se termina. dar cel mai trist e ca de fapt nu se termina niciodata...

inca o noapte si inca o zi. inca o shaorma efeminizata si o plimbare pe strazi .ce bine e sa nu ai probleme. ce rau e ca ai. si ce foarte rau ca o sa ai tot timpul..

ultima noapte.si intaia zi. din noua ta viata. de maine,de maine, iti spui....de maine sa fie...

[ track - Black Moon - looking down the barrel ]

eazy game.

so this days are about learning mostly. nothing out of ordinary i guess. as this should be the program for the next ...3 weeks or so. i don;t mind. it's cool. read.remember.apply. as eazy as federer crushing nadal in the final.

problem is. u gotta get in the state. u gotta force yourself into reading/learning. because there's a psy barrier. u break that and u are in a new , unlimited teritory..or u don't breka that and u just might be in the losers - land. so choices again..

of course it's only school and many many many [ stress that ! ] are passing the exams with no special effort. but...i am not "the other ppl" so it's my fight to battle that's what makes it important right? if u get that. fine. if u don't. fine again.

u might say. i'm selfish. but i deny that. if i have to be something like that for you. than so be it. but name it properly.

i'm self-centered. :)

[track robbie williams- feel ]

beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen there...

there's a bee in my room. that's how sweet i am! :D