i know.i'm glad i do.

Cand ai cu adevarat pe cineva? in pat dupa un orgasm sau inainte? cand o tii de mana pe aleea unui parc? cand plangi ca si cum nu te vede nimeni la ea in brate? cand cand cand ?!
Eu cred,ca ai pe cineva atunci ca acea persoana nu mai poate pleca de langa tine..si sa ramana aceeasi persoana. Cred ca asa sunt persoane pe care nu o sa le aiba nimeni in nici un fel(ceea ce e foarte trist) dar si ca poti pierde persoane.

Se poate intampla sa spui ca ai pierdut pe cineva,dar sa insemne ca ai pierdut-o din tine,iar cealalta persoana va zice ca te-a pierdut. De fapt, probabil ca v-ati pierdut.

Insa e mai bine sa pierzi pe cineva,decat sa nu ai ce pierde.

Dar cel mai bine e sa nu pierzi pe nimeni. If only...

one side of a story.

Cand am ridicat ochii,i-am intalnit pe ai ei.Verzi , clari,si atunci,inlacrimati.Am vrut sa imi retrag privirea pentru a nu fi nepoliticos si pentru ca am simtit ca ii invadez intimitatea si mi-a fost rusine.Este o idee ciudata,avand in vedere ca eram intr-un autobuz de transport in comun,dar atat de puternica era privirea ei si ce exprima ea in acel moment.

Dar ochii nostri au ramas blocati , privindu-ne fara sa ne spunem nimic,fara sa ne cunoastem,doi straini intr-un spatiu de calatorie.

Apoi am zambit.La un inceput un pic timid, apoi cu mai mult curaj,si am vrut,am vrut cu adevarat, sa pun cata caldura puteam in acel zambet,pentru ca imi doream din toata inima sa nu mai planga.Am vrut sa ii spun ca totul va fi bine,si ca eu sunt aici nu ca sa o ajut,dar ca sa o sustin si incurajez si sa o inteleg.Pentru ca asta imi da putere.

Nu stiu ce a inteles,dar intr-un final si-a sters lacrimile cu dosul mainii acoperite de maneca bluzei,si m-a privit un pic amuzat,parca intrebandu-se ce gandeam.Ma simteam ca si cum eram singuri in acel autobuz aglomerat, ca si cum aveam o discutie la un nivel inaccesbil nimanui altcuiva.Globul nostru de cristal.Ca si cum am fi vorbit ore in sir despre orice subiect,fara ca sa imi amintesc cuvintele ci doar sentimentele impartasite.O conversatie pura.

Atunci a inceput sa chicoteasca si am tresarit jenat dandu-mi seama ca ma holbam la ea.Intr-un loc in care oamenii evita sa se priveasca pentru mai mult de o secunda, eu depasisem orice bariera acceptabila.Speram si intr-un fel stiam ca ma intelesese,dar nu puteam fi sigur.

Dupa aceea am continuat sa ne privim,cateodata aruncandu-ne un ochi pe fereastra dar in tot acest timp nezicandu-ne nici un cuvant.Era ca si cum ne-ar fi fost teama sa rupem momentul de magie,clipa noastra.

Intr-un final s-a ridicat ,s-a apropiat de locul unde stateam si m-a sarutat copilareste pe obraz.Apoi s-a repezit spre usa si a coborat.

Am ramas mult timp privind in gol,gandindu-ma care a fost oare partea ei de poveste si simtindu-ma stupid ca mi s-a parut ca am avut ,pentru acele minute scurte,o conexiune mai puternica decat cu multi din oamenii pe care ii cunosc de ani.

Dar poate ca chiar asa a fost...

windshield.

i'm stuck on moments. i see it as a recurring idea in everything i begin to write or think.
moments. i lately started to belive that everything is about a moment. everything has been defined in a moment. we maybe see something as a dynamic process over a period of time, but in reality, what started the 'something' is a moment.

think about a war. the world war II lasted for a couple of years. but the war itself started in a moment of madness ,maybe in hitler's bed when he was 20. that moment definied his actions and all we lived[well, not we but the people who lived it] is the consequence of that moment. sure, he made it happen that's another story.

think about happiness. i used to think that happiness is a momentary state. i am happy now. i'm ok tomorow, not happy. i'll be happy again. but looking at this theory from my new point of view, i understand that happiness can be a permanent or at least continuously state but it is definied by a moment. something inside was touched and changed and generated this intense feeling of happiness. all you feel afterwards is a consequence. and that's maybe the beauty of it.

same with love. i know that people say(and in english is this very good construction) "i've grown to love her/him" for exemple. but it's not like one day you loved someone less, the other more and more until u hit the jackpot. everything was a forplay. a forplay for the moment when loved really emerged.

maybe it's silly. but that's what i think and i live and die by moments. and when i feel i just happend to had one,i'm really interested to feel,live and see the consequences of the moment.

and i'm so dissapointed to see it wasted.

seconds of life

Noi in general cautam. Nu stim tot timpul ce ,cateodata nu stim nici de ce,dar tot timpul cautam. Cand am gasit ce cautam, nu ne oprim. Cautam in continuare. Altceva. Pentru ca intodeauna lipseste ceva si pentru ca intotdeauna avem nevoie de mai mult. Suntem niste drogati.

Azi sunt satul de cautat. Sunt satul de intrebari,de raspunsuri,de fantome din trecut.Sunt satul chiar si de lucrurile bune pe care le-am gasit.Azi tot ce mi-as dori ar fi sa pot sta intins in patul meu,si sa fiu fericit acum si nu in cautarea fericirii de maine.

Si as mai vrea, ca asa cum stau intins si zambesc fara motiv,sa imi intorc capul si sa imi zambeasca si ea la fel. Un moment sublim de liniste comuna.

Sper ca voi realiza atunci ca de fapt asta am cautat in tot acest timp.

fantesy

bang! i wake up quickly, grab the book by my pillow ,open it randomly , and start "reading". i have no idea what waked me up, but i'm pretty sure someone entered my room to check if i'm finally done with sleeping. i look a little confused over my book and it's noone there. i stretch and decide to get off bed.As i search for my slippers i notice that i'm fully dressed, my new t-shirt looks all ravelled and my jeans are a mess. no surprise afterall, it's been like that for some time. i then go to my computer move the mouse to see the display and close my eyes for a second before i get a glance at the time,i'm always scared what will say. now, that's a surprise: it's 3:44 a.m.i've been sleepin for..i can't remember.i need sprite,bananas and a shower.i chose to take them backward, i jump under the hot water thinkin that a miracle would be great right now,but no fairy appears in my bathroom asking me what my 3 wishes are, so i take the towel and go back to my room, picking the soda and an apple[ we're out of bananas] on my way. i put on my pj and check the watch again. 3:53. i was pretty quick now i can start learning,as i'm anyway up. but first i have to check my mail, my websites and probably some other chores. time passes quickly and i feel that once again i'll catch the sunrise,i hate it lately, it's a bad sign that i'm going to miss the rest of the sun, or at least until 4- 5 p.m,so i decided to go to sleep and learn later. it's 5 30 a.m and i'm drinking the last drops of sprite. i head to bed thinking again that i have to quit this life. it's not safe. there's too much sugar...